Julia
2008-03-17 17:08:39 UTC
Hello - advice needed please.
I have a daughter, just turned 17, looks about 14. She is very nice
and trusting and sensible but not mature in many ways and extremely
introvert and quiet.
She has had two boyfriends - one was a religious person who tried to
get her to convert and refused to see her on account of his religion
in case his parents found out - their relationship consisted of
several 10 minute long meetings and text messages/MSN chatting. That
ended after 18 months when she found out he had been with another girl
for 6 months. Her reaction was to go hysterical and have several panic
attacks.
The second one was a long-distance relationship with a lad who
basically bullied, manipulated and insulted her by text or MSN chat.
He would send serious accusations or insults down the line, and
instead of cutting him off, she always had to respond which just
escatlated things, and as in most cases of abuse, would accept that
she was responsible for what had happened. It got so bad that she
ended up being violent in the house towards us through sheer
frustration. That relationship lasted 18 months also, and ended when
he found someone else.
She has now hooked up with a 30 year old 'man' - i have no objection
to age gaps per se, but due to her fragile state, I looked this one up
on the net, and he has a taste for girls under 20 (he has several
profiles on Social Networks and nearly all his friends are girls under
20), so I feel that he has preyed on her due to her age and because
she is so vulnerable I am really scared for her now.
She is extremely stubborn, and if I push too hard she will just go
with him, as in move in with him.
I have already had him in the house and asked why her etc etc and he
did the innocent bit, that he just liked her and she just happens to
be 17, that he would still like her if she was 29 etc. He had
previously been seeing a girl from our old town (19), so I asked her
and she just said she had refused to go with him because he was creepy
and wanted her to do stuff on a webcam - when I asked him about her,
he just said that he hadn't seen her since he met my daughter.
I explained what she had been through and that I wanted him to back
off a bit (he had been counting the hours in a week and wanting to
know why she couldn't see him more than 5 or 6 times a week), and he
agreed. He went away, and promptly ignored me. It all kicked off a few
days later when I lost my rag because he wouldn't stop asking her out.
She ran away and told me never to speak to her again because I had
'ruined everything'. I had to get him to bring her home because she
now only trusts him.
I have told her about the young girls thing and she doesn't care. She
was upset when she saw his webcam pointing in a peculiar position on
his desk, but has also now accepted that. She is doing exactly the
same as she did with the other two -accepting everything however
unacceptable she would otherwise find it. All that matters is that she
sees him. SHe goes to college, but in between, lays on her bed with
her phone in her hand waiting for him to text or call her (she did
this with the others - I just thought it was a teenage phase she would
pass through).
I am at my wits end - I feel like telling him to eff off away from
her, but I know she will just go with him. We had a good relationship
prior to this man showing up - now it seems that she doesn't even
trust me anymore. If it was only a matter of her hating me, I would
tell him to eff off anyway - I just don't want to push her into making
a huge mistake.
What would anyone else do please?!
(IMHO she needs counselling, but not sure how to go about getting it
for her, as she is under 18 but over 16....)
I have a daughter, just turned 17, looks about 14. She is very nice
and trusting and sensible but not mature in many ways and extremely
introvert and quiet.
She has had two boyfriends - one was a religious person who tried to
get her to convert and refused to see her on account of his religion
in case his parents found out - their relationship consisted of
several 10 minute long meetings and text messages/MSN chatting. That
ended after 18 months when she found out he had been with another girl
for 6 months. Her reaction was to go hysterical and have several panic
attacks.
The second one was a long-distance relationship with a lad who
basically bullied, manipulated and insulted her by text or MSN chat.
He would send serious accusations or insults down the line, and
instead of cutting him off, she always had to respond which just
escatlated things, and as in most cases of abuse, would accept that
she was responsible for what had happened. It got so bad that she
ended up being violent in the house towards us through sheer
frustration. That relationship lasted 18 months also, and ended when
he found someone else.
She has now hooked up with a 30 year old 'man' - i have no objection
to age gaps per se, but due to her fragile state, I looked this one up
on the net, and he has a taste for girls under 20 (he has several
profiles on Social Networks and nearly all his friends are girls under
20), so I feel that he has preyed on her due to her age and because
she is so vulnerable I am really scared for her now.
She is extremely stubborn, and if I push too hard she will just go
with him, as in move in with him.
I have already had him in the house and asked why her etc etc and he
did the innocent bit, that he just liked her and she just happens to
be 17, that he would still like her if she was 29 etc. He had
previously been seeing a girl from our old town (19), so I asked her
and she just said she had refused to go with him because he was creepy
and wanted her to do stuff on a webcam - when I asked him about her,
he just said that he hadn't seen her since he met my daughter.
I explained what she had been through and that I wanted him to back
off a bit (he had been counting the hours in a week and wanting to
know why she couldn't see him more than 5 or 6 times a week), and he
agreed. He went away, and promptly ignored me. It all kicked off a few
days later when I lost my rag because he wouldn't stop asking her out.
She ran away and told me never to speak to her again because I had
'ruined everything'. I had to get him to bring her home because she
now only trusts him.
I have told her about the young girls thing and she doesn't care. She
was upset when she saw his webcam pointing in a peculiar position on
his desk, but has also now accepted that. She is doing exactly the
same as she did with the other two -accepting everything however
unacceptable she would otherwise find it. All that matters is that she
sees him. SHe goes to college, but in between, lays on her bed with
her phone in her hand waiting for him to text or call her (she did
this with the others - I just thought it was a teenage phase she would
pass through).
I am at my wits end - I feel like telling him to eff off away from
her, but I know she will just go with him. We had a good relationship
prior to this man showing up - now it seems that she doesn't even
trust me anymore. If it was only a matter of her hating me, I would
tell him to eff off anyway - I just don't want to push her into making
a huge mistake.
What would anyone else do please?!
(IMHO she needs counselling, but not sure how to go about getting it
for her, as she is under 18 but over 16....)